Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ill-Equipped

My head is foggy.  I have thus chained myself to my to-do list, lest I forget to pay a bill, drop the ball at work, or neglect to pick up a child (thank God that one hasn't happened yet).

My grandmother has taken the turn.  She is semi-rapidly declining and all I can do from Texas is walk around in a daze, throw up my prayers, and try to get though my days without making too many mistakes.

When I woke up today, I put on my running clothes since I knew I'd go out for a quick run sometime while the kids were at school.  I put on my old running shoes while I took them to school and ran my errands, planning on changing into my newer ones when I actually went out to run.  Then, I got the news about Grannie.  I started trying to soothe my grief and anxiety by working and marking things off on my to do list.  Suddenly, I stood up from my computer and decided it was time to run. 

And I walked out the door. 

It took no less than about 30 feet for me to realize I was still in my old shoes.  I was too lazy to turn back to change them out, so I just kept running.  For those of you who are not runners, let me explain the difference between good running shoes and old running shoes.  Good running shoes feel like you are running on clouds -- soft, cushy, comfortable.  Old running shoes feel like there is a thin piece of rubber between you and the street. 

I was ill-equipped to run today.  I am ill-equipped to deal with Grannie dying.  Grief is overwhelming, anger seems to creep up, and the anxiety that I feel surrounding the details of getting my family to the funeral when the time comes is just enough to completely push me over the edge.

Thank God for Jesus.

I may be ill-equipped, but He is not.  The best part of it is that He knows when to swoop down and rescue me and when to let me work through the hardship.  Last night, my friend texted me to see if my daughter could go to her house after preschool today, which has given me so much more time to process this on my own without having to grapple with my littlest one and all her emotions from the day.  It is simple gifts like this that makes the load bearable.

And then, there is the sweet sound of His voice.  Though I do not hear Him audibly, today I just told Him, I am grieving.  He said in my heart, I grieve with you.  Oh, I am never alone, no matter my emotions, my mistakes, my state of mind.

I can't express the depths of my pain in words.  My heart just feels so...broken.  It's hard to articulate what I want to say, but just getting it out there helps with healing.

Thanks for listening.

3 comments :

  1. That was beautiful Jen and thanks for sharing! Please know that you are loved and am here to support you through this. :0) laresa

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  2. Praying for you, Jen...and I wish I could give you a hug.

    I know that The Great Comforter, Jesus, will help you through this very difficult time.

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  3. Thanks, girls. It means the world...

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