Friday, October 8, 2010
Who knew that something as casual as flipping through the mail would be such a devastating, my-worst-fear-has-just-been-realized kind of moment?
Craig and I had just returned from our honeymoon, which consisted of two days in Fredericksburg, Texas at a B&B, one day at Six Flags Fiesta Texas, and eight days on the Senior High Mission Trip to the Navajo Indian Reservation in New Mexico. (Yes, driving in a 16 passenger van filled with high school kids might not be part of the average person's honeymoon, but it was actually fun and full of blessings. Plus, the whole reason we met was because of these kids, so you know, it was a nice way to pay it back.) Anyway, we were freshly showered and snuggled into our 600 square foot apartment and I was opening the mail. There was thin envelope from the life insurance company with which we had just applied. It was addressed only to Craig.
It says I don't qualify.
Surely, you read that wrong, I said, snatching it from his hands.
He didn't pass the bodily fluids test. Death is at his door, I thought. The letter said something about abnormally high levels of protein in his urine and creatine in his blood. I immediately called the nearest hospital to talk to a nurse. What does this all mean?? The nurse said she couldn't make a diagnosis on the phone, yada, yada, yada.
Look, lady, do these things mean my husband is going to die? Like right now? Hypothetically speaking, of course.
After I felt reassured enough to stop hyperventilating, we discussed making doctor's appointments, etc. Through the general practitioner, the kidney specialist, the kidney biopsy, the medications, the routine tests, my thoughts were always the same: My worst fears are coming true. I am going to get married and then my husband is going to die and I will be left alone. For so long, I had dreamed of him and now *poof*, he will be gone.
Rational, no. Real, yes. Despite the heartache and worry and unceasing fear, I can look back on that time and be...thankful. I'm thankful, of course, that he is fully healed now and has no more problems with his kidneys. I'm thankful that he no longer needs the medications to keep everything in proper balance. But most of, I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to look at the greatest fear of my life at the time in the face and STARE. IT. DOWN.
Through all that, God showed me that even if my husband were to cease to live here on this earth, my life would still go on. It would be hard. It would be terrible. It would be hell on earth. But, my God would still be with me. He would still carry me through. He would still love me, still equip me, still take care of me. I would still have His mission to carry on and I would do it because everything in this world is temporary and we are all really just preparing for going Home.
If I was still tied to that fear (and it still creeps up every now and then when I can't get a hold of him on the phone and he is late and he hasn't called OR he goes camping where things like bears and mountain lions exist), I would be bound to something that is not of God. I think about how differently I act when I let fear settle into my heart and my mind. When I am worried, I am uptight, short-tempered, and generally unpleasant. That kind of me with my kind of busy life does not mix well, I tell you. The freedom of placing these fears in the hands of a God far mightier than me, allows me to breath the breathe of new life, of a surrendered life, of a life filled with abundant joy. Living through this experience with Craig, and with other experiences in my life (like being afraid of not being able to pay my bills) has shown me that God is trustworthy. He is a provider. He is Love.
Do you have chains of fear that need to be broken?
"So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, 'Abba, Father.'"
Romans 8:15, NLT
I'm linking up with Studio JRU, Lost in the Prairies, and Home Sanctuary today. Please stop in and see these amazing ladies!