|Photo credit: Pattako|
The fear seems to be rooted in the fact that I continue, and yes, I believe I have confessed this before, that my worth is rooted in my works. If I drop the ball, I will look like a bad person, someone who is unorganized, someone who does NOT have it together, someone who is incapable, incomplete, and frazzled. If I don't do something that exceeds everyone's expectations, if I don't successfully leap over every task, if I am not there to meet someone's realistic need, I have failed. It took me awhile to get over the fact that someone else was better than me at Words with Friends on the iPhone. Just because I didn't score two 50+ words in a row does not mean that I am not smart, worthless, or easily defeated.
Oh, how silly are you, getting riled up over a Scrabble game! Yes, I hear you. It is silly. It's the competitive side of me, the one with the loud voice that urges me to strive, to be the best, to not let anyone or anything stand in my way to achieving all that I think I need to achieve. But, if you see that I can get a bit messed up in the head over a game on my iPhone, you can see how actual important things might just send me over the edge.
I am actually quite proud of myself for recognizing the destructive thought patterns that I had when my friend kept beating me at this game. And I realized that perhaps because I was so afraid of looking less than I am, I forgot about who I am created to be. Truth be told, there are parts of life that I am incapable of handling on my own, but if there wasn't, I wouldn't have great friends like you to support me. Truth be told, I am incomplete with my Savior, who rescues me from the burdens of my sins and who covers me with a love that makes me whole again. Truth be told, if I continue on this path where my works add up to the sum of my worth, I will life live as a frazzled, run-down person.
Today, I decide that is not the life for me.
I'm linking up with Rachel Anne's Home Sanctuary and Michelle at Lost in the Prairies! Come see all the wonderful women there.