|Photo credit JCasa|
I like to take care of people.
I don't like to burden others with my problems.
I rarely do anything that doesn't have a purpose.
I try not to be too emotional.
I try to keep things in perspective.
I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing.
I've been really focused on keeping things together. Operating so that I can be productive, efficient, tamped down.
I re-read these words and I imagine a box, so overstuffed that at any moment it might explode. But there is something under all that purpose, organization, and compartmentalization that is trying to get out. Things will get...
Out of place.
...if it bursts.
I don't do any of those things well. I rationalize to keep from being too emotional. I explain away things that don't fit. I run a tight ship. To ask me to function when things are out of place -- I get nervous, jittery, overwhelmed with feeling out of control.
But I have this vague sense that there might be a hint of freedom that could possibly come if the box bursts open. In this neatly packaged life, I think I've buried some lies and God wants to bring me some truth. But to replace the lies with truth means a lot of unpacking. Life doesn't always unfold the way we think it should and I don't like surprises.
But I also don't like things such as...
I think I've spent the last few years wrapping string upon string around this box and God is standing next to it with a pair of scissors.
Can I let Him cut the strings?