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So, for 30 days, I'm not supposed to yell. Um, yeah. So, it turns out that this is harder than I thought it would be, BUT, on my little no-yelling chart, I only have 3 Xs, so I think I'm doing pretty good.
See, a lot of times when I give something up, it's something external that can be eliminated. Yelling, however, comes from something internal that is often born from external circumstances. I've been doing a bit of introspection the last week as to what prompts me to raise my voice and here's what I've come to conclude:
I yell because I lose my sense of self-control.
Shockingly profound, yes? Let's dig a little deeper.
Why does my self-control go out the window?
Because I'm tired. I'm strung-out. Because I'm longing to rest, but won't allow myself to see beyond the house-cleaning, the laundry, the cooking, the working, the blogging, the husband, the friends, the children. Today, I even got stressed about how I was going to relax.
Does scrapbooking count as relaxing because I'd have to organize all my stuff first. And then before I could organize, I'd have to dust. That would definitely be work. Should I just read? Should I do my daily Bible reading first, or would that just be doing something to check off my to-do list? What about writing? Maybe I should just read a book. Or a magazine. Or finish the paper. What would be best? (Yes, I'm a bit neurotic, I know. Please, love me anyway.)
Just do whatever you feel like doing, my sweet husband responds. Honestly, I'm sure he was thinking, Come on, crazy woman! Why do you have to make things so hard? He gets points for using his nice words.
Anyway, my point is that if I just continue on with the "no yelling" challenge, I think I'm just signing myself up for defeat because it does nothing to help me with the underlying problem that I have of not being able to rest. And, I've come to the conclusion if I don't rest, I'm really not able to enjoy life.
I want to be able to enjoy my children without allowing the amount of work I have to do overshadow my interactions with them. I want to be able to watch a movie with my husband without having my iPhone next me, begging me to click on the email icon every time it dings. I want to be able to sit by the fire and read my book and ignore the nagging oh-yeah-I-really-should...thoughts that pop into my head.
You'd be proud of me today. I sat by the fire. I read the paper. I read my magazine. I read a few chapters of my book. Now I'm writing, but I'm still by the fire. The dryer dinged and the LAUNDRY IS STILL SITTING THERE.
I'm still going to work on not yelling, but the focus is more on enjoying life and learning how to let things go, learning how to relax, learning how to not be anxious.
I love this quote that I read yesterday in my Bible study:
The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith. The beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety. George Muller