Thursday, March 10, 2011

A Boyfriend Named Pride & She Speaks Scholarship Contest

I used to have dreams of being center stage.  I wanted to be adored. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be the best. 

I wanted all of these things because I didn’t know then what I know now.

He is the one that gives me my worth.  He is the one who has anointed my life.  He is the One who has called me by name to simply be His.  It took me a long time to realize that He was battling for me.  He kept trying to woo me away from this boyfriend called PRIDE.  You know this type of boyfriend (or, maybe you don’t because you are way smarter than I used to be).  This boyfriend is one you love because you think you can’t do any better.  This is the boyfriend that feeds you lies that are so disguised that you can’t identify them as such right away.  This is the boyfriend that promises the world and then leaves you standing there empty-handed.  Every time.

Although PRIDE and I have officially broken up, he’s still the thorn in my side.  Somehow, he still has my number.  The problem must be that I still answer the phone.  And then I hear him say:

Looks like you lost a follower on your blog, Jen.  You must have said too much/too little/the wrong thing.

Do you really think God could call you to be a speaker?  You know He knows that I’m still a problem for you.  Do you really think He could trust you with something like this?

Do you really think you should enter into this contest?  Isn’t that a bit prideful, even attempting to enter into something where you are strutting your stuff and competing against some of your friends? 

Despite hearing these words, I believe that God can bring redemption to everything.  All things that the Enemy means for harm, God can use for good.  It’s the same way with my pride.  Knowing that it is a slithering snake that attempts to wrap itself around my heart and squeeze out all the Truth that I have stored in there, I have found some ways to battle against him.  I cloak myself with the armor of God, specifically with David’s Psalm 51.  In this Psalm, David confesses his adultery with Bathsheba to God.  There have been times when I have cheated on Him, too, lusting after the things of this world, instead of keeping me eyes focused only on Him.  Praying this Psalm keeps me focused on His goodness, keeps me humble, keeps me tethered only to Him.

Have mercy on me, O God.
            Because of Your unfailing love.
Because of Your great compassion,
            Blot out the stain of my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt.
            Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my rebellion;
            It haunts me day and night.  (verses 1-3)

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
            Renew a right spirit within me.
Do not banish me from your presence,
            And don’t take Your Holy Spirit
            From me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
            And make me willing to obey You.  (verses 10-12)

God has done a mighty work in me and I’ve been chronicling this journey on Tuesdays with my Soli Deo Gloria girls.  I know that He has called me to speak, but I also know there is more refining that needs to happen in this heart of mine.  There is more to learn.  There are places in my heart that have yet to be uncovered.  There are still broken pieces that need to be put back together.  There are roads that I am still afraid to travel.

This is why I would be honored to go to the She Speaks Conference July 22-24 in Concord, NC on scholarship.  This conference is put on by Proverbs 31 Ministries and offers tracks for writers, speakers, and women’s ministry leaders.  If you would like more information about this conference or would like to enter into the scholarship contest, please on the links above or the button below.

If you are interested in reading the story of my call and how I have been processing what He has been telling me, you can click on the s(He) Listens link found under “Pages” in the right-hand corner of my blog.  Actually, I'll make it really easy for you.  Just click here.

She Speaks Conference

Also linking up with my Friday girls at Home Sanctuary and Caffeinated Randomness because I just love the thought of possibly failing publicly for all to see!  :)


  1. When I first began speaking, I only spoke out of my strengths . . . things I was naturally good at, or lessons learned well. As I matured (got older), I became more comfortable with myself and began to speak out of my weakness - areas I was still learning, or mistakes I had made. I still like both.


    ps. Hope you are given a scholarship.

  2. Forgot to say . . . my boyfriends have had different names . . . but just as ugly.


  3. jEN, This is a wonderful Post! My prayer is God will provide us all with a way to attend this life changing conference. You are an awesome writer! Good Luck and Gods Blessings. Deborah from

  4. So good to see so many familiar faces (blogs) desiring to go to this conference! Love it.

  5. I love this post!
    Pride, self doubt, those are such hard battles to fight and difficult to let go of. Thanks for your honesty!

  6. I love it too...I would love for us all to go. Period. We could all meet there for the weekend and just .. I don't know:) can you imagine? Love your words Jen. Let's plan a trip!

  7. this is a super post that so clearly details something insidious and complicated like Pride...this is where I see God using you in the days ahead--making the profound simple and clear with images that will stay with and therefore, impact, others. Praying for you and sending you love:)

  8. Jen, I resonate with what you say about in this post. The boyfriends image is a powerful one -- especially calling back up with phone messages. It is harder to share from our vulnerable places but those are the places that I most ministered to when others share from their own most vulnerable places. May I have the courage to speak from the places I need God most that He may shine through more clearly. Press on in courage, dear sister in Christ. Thanks for sharing from the deep places.

  9. Hi Jen, I've been busy reading your pages about your calling to speak. And so I found your About Me page. I would love a connection to a few of your posts about dealing with the grief of your grandmother. I will go looking for them but you may want to provide them for readers, too.

  10. Well! I'm glad you'll be going to that conference and giving Pride a kick in the teeth!

    When ya come through, wave a big hello to me. I'm about an hour from Concord!

  11. ...because I just love the thought of possibly failing publicly for all to see! :) Oh my friend. This is the attitude we must all have everyday. I'm still learning that I don't have to be perfect and that people will love me for exactly who I am.

    I too have that ex-boyfriend and I hate when he calls and texts. We'll have to learn to not answer. Thanks for linking up today my dear sister.

  12. Good would be so exciting for you to go! Great post!

  13. We are all starting to feel much better. Thanks.

    Yes, I think most of us know exactly what you're talking about. Pride. Do enjoy the conference, and I'm sure you will share a little with us afterward.

  14. Oh Jen, Jesus just shines through you so much girl. Every time I read your words, it is so evident that you have a heart that runs after God. I submitted for the scholarship too, and I want us all to go!!!! I am just gonna start praying that one way or another God gets each and every one of us that He desires to be there, there, one way or another! Love you girl!

  15. an on and off again relationship with the handsome PRIDE boyfriend ... I can so ... relate ... beautiful post ... I'm hoping for the scholarship for you!

  16. I do enjoy your posts jen...I think your candor is very wonderful that we are redeemed! You help us to admit to ourselves that we have similar thots that we try to cover up and ignore...thanks for drawing them out.

  17. Great post many talented entries and everyone has such a burning desire to go!! Wow! Good luck and if we both get to attend, hope to meet you there.

  18. "I know that He has called me to speak, but I also know there is more refining that needs to happen in this heart of mine. There is more to learn."

    This is where I'm finding myself, too. I know that I've been called to write and speak, and though I want to jump in head first, God has shown me that He has more work to do in my life first. I need to be diligently studying His Word and applying it to my life before I can teach others how to do the same.

    Ministry needs to be from the overflow of a life filled with Jesus - we cannot give what we do not possess.

  19. The "P" word...a hard one to swallow. The capital sin that is at the root of all sin. The sin that says,"i don't need you God" I'll do it my way.
    Thanks for allowing us the opportunity to pray for you and all those who feel called to attend the She Speaks conference. May God Bless you with His way.
    Thanks too for journeying with me to the foot of the Cross!

  20. Thank you for this post. I really needed it. I have been feeling an inner call to share with my MOPS group why MOPS has been such an important part of my life, but I didn't feel worthy to share this. Then my group asked me if I would please share with the group, and I said I would think about it. Now I think I will plunge right out and do it, even though I feel terrible.
    Thank you for sharing.

  21. I guess everyone needs a way, or something, or someone, to help them truly focus in their life. Glad you found yours.


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