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Confession: I've not fully invested myself in my prayer life.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I pray. I intercede. I've read the Bible. I know it works. And yet, I think I've come down on the side of, "Well, God's going to do what He's going to do. Who am I to try to change His Mind?"
But really, I think my doubt in the full power of prayer all stems from this selfish fear of rejection (and maybe even some laziness, since I'm already being honest). If I don't get too invested in what I'm praying for, if I keep my desires close to my chest, if I claim some nonchalance about the whole endeavor, I protect myself from rejection, from being told "no."
Last weekend, Craig and I went to San Antonio for our 11 year anniversary. We stayed at the JW Marriott, just as we did last year. Except this time, our balcony didn't come with the chairs that I absolutely sunk into last year. A chair is a chair, you might think. And yet, if you had sat in this chair before, you wouldn't be able to settle for anything less. Normally, I would never, ever call down to the front desk and ask for another chair. Why? Because I wouldn't want to be told "no." I wouldn't want to risk the embarrassment, the rejection. I wouldn't want people to think something like, "What a preposterous notion!"
So, I sat on the bed and weighed my options. What would cause me the greater pain: having my request turned down or not trying to get the chair I had been imagining myself in since the day I booked the reservation a month ago? Before I could talk myself out of it, I punched "0" on the phone. And I asked in my best cheery voice. And what did the front desk man say?
"We'll send one right up."
Now, granted, God will not give me a "yes" on everything I ask because, frankly, I don't always ask for the best things. And yet, if I never ask, or if I ask with only a half-invested heart, what fullness might I miss? If I never ask, and in some cases, if I never ask repeatedly, I'm not letting God into my heart fully. I'm holding back simply because I'm afraid. And yes, God already knows me inside and out, but oh how He cherishes the act of laying it bare for Him.
My plan is to actively ask God, and ask Him frequently, for the desires of my heart so to get me over the fear of rejection while at the same time holding on to the knowledge that He does know best. If He does say "no," I'll know it's for a good reason. On the other hand, if He doesn't say anything, I'll keep praying. I'll keep persevering in the Spirit, discerning the things to which He is calling me to my knees.
Alright, go link and encourage!