Wednesday, February 15, 2012

the brutally honest post about love


Katharine at Just a Thought asked me to write a guest post, filling in this sentence:

When I live loved, I am ________________. 

This is how I filled in the blank:

When I live loved, I am free.
photo source via pinterest
But often, I am not free.  It isn’t the fault of those who love me.  It’s the fault of these scales that continuously rattle around in my brain, weighing motives, weighing worthy, weighing enough, weighing me down in these chains.

I don’t trust well and I don’t want to owe anybody anything.  I’d rather stock favors than use them.  I’d rather people need me than me need anyone.  But, I’m growing tired of the constant weigh-ins.  I’m through with the complicated spreadsheets that troll my brain. 

Did I watch her kids for her after she watched mine?
Did I do enough work to merit reading my book?
Did I ask her enough questions or do I need to probe more before I tell her about me?
If I do this, will he love me in this way?

The truth is, I’ve come to realize that I wrestle with a very basic question:  What does it look like to be loved?  What does it feel like to be free?

To continue reading my painfully honest thoughts, please click here.





JourneyTowardsEpiphany

10 comments :

  1. Wow, Jen... turns out that we think alike. I am one who loves to depend on myself and go at it alone. I don't want to owe anyone. If they love me, I feel like I have to love them more. God included. That way of thinking is simply ludicrous! I can't out love God, but should live freely in His love. My "word" for 2012 is "dependence" which has created a new free, trusting love of God that I could never imagine.

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  2. this.is.me. you wrote me. it can be so weary bearing our own weight. i wrote last week in my journal "I want to live in communion but never need to drink from the cup". Thank you for speaking us both with your words.

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  3. Thought provoking. Thanks. I share those sentiments and my first reaction was as much as I want that love and freedom, too, I'm not willing to shed that armor; my own armor. I'll have to ponder and pray and I think I needed that today!

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  4. Well, as you can tell, you have struck the heart of many women myself included...These could have been my own words...
    Trust has always been an issue for me but God is helping me to trust Him for all my needs instead of depending on others to fill my empty spots.....

    Thank you for being so transparent and open with us; it's very refreshing and encouraging....

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  5. love this, jen. opening ourselves up. . . so hard. feel free to use my word of the year when you're having difficulty: unfurl. doesn't that just sound glorious?
    laid open. bare. open to the light. or if you prefer a sailing analogy--sails uncoiled for the breath of God to fill them up. completely. lovingly.
    be free, my friend.
    steph

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  6. Oh Jen... such an honest post. Learning to love and be loved. Thanks for sharing your heart today!

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  7. I love the photo - It speaks volumes and your prose is beautiful. Thank you for sharing :)

    http://theemptynestexpress.com

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  8. would love to chuck the scales entirely. That's what God did when he sent Jesus. Wonderful writing and lots to think about, Jen. Thank you!
    Alyssa

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  9. so glad i'm not alone in this. growth takes time...sometimes a very long time.
    thanks for sharing!

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