And it's kinda expensive.
And then there is the litany of questions that pass through my mind, a mixture of good reasoning and voices I should not listen to --
Why should you deserve to go to this?
Is this just your pride talking?
Do you think you could really ask Craig to take more days off? Would you have to find someone else to watch your kids?
But I tell you this -- I sat down with Craig last night and I laid it all out. And I asked him to just tell me what to do.
I don't normally engage in this type of behavior. I don't really like anyone telling me what to do. Even God, sometimes. I'm sure you might be able to relate to that. Right??
But in a season where I feel in charge of a lot -- teaching a class, organizing small groups for Soli Deo Gloria, planning a retreat, parenting -- sometimes I lose the ability to filter through everything and discern clearly without a whole lotta other junk.
So we sit on the couch, we hold hands, and we pray out loud. The prayer ends and I ask, expectantly, "Did you hear anything?"
I see he's in Matthew and I just say over and over - "Lord, whatever You want, I will do. This thing is in my hands, but my hands are open to receive or give away."
He flips to Matthew 10 and puts the Bible under my nose. "Read the heading," he says.
"Jesus Sends Out the Twelve Apostles"
But that's not good enough for me, friends. And so I ask Craig, "Do you really think this means YES? I mean, it's not very specific."
He looks at me (you may know the look from your own husband). "Jen, the exact answer you are looking for is not going to be in the Bible. I asked Him if you should go and He gave me a section of the Gospel about being sent out."
But I still find myself resisting -- is this word enough? Is the direction and leadership of my husband enough? Has God given me what I have asked for -- direction and sheltering from my husband -- and now I have said, "It's not enough?"
I think about the phrases that have been lingering in my head the last few days from different blog posts I've read lately --
relax and have fun
the single spark
simply this. Go. Choose. Walk by faith. Don't stand, doubt, waffle...
I asked my friend, Cindy, to pray. She responds that she's praying, but she hasn't gotten a clear answer. My first thought?
Maybe she's not supposed to.
Because maybe I'm just supposed to trust my husband.
And listen to His voice, that gentle whisper that wells in me...
to have fun,
to revel in a gift,
to not have strings attached,
to not have to earn,
but just to enjoy.
And with this, I will say...
Linking with Tracey for Winsome Wednesday, Jennifer for God Bumps, and Emily for Imperfect Prose.