Wednesday, April 18, 2012

could it be enough?

photo source
There is an opportunity on the horizon, but I'm unsure if it's mine for the taking.

And it's kinda expensive.

And then there is the litany of questions that pass through my mind, a mixture of good reasoning and voices I should not listen to --

Why should you deserve to go to this?
Is this just your pride talking?
Do you think you could really ask Craig to take more days off?  Would you have to find someone else to watch your kids?
It's expensive.
It's expensive.
It's expensive.

But I tell you this -- I sat down with Craig last night and I laid it all out.  And I asked him to just tell me what to do.

Shocking.

I don't normally engage in this type of behavior.  I don't really like anyone telling me what to do.  Even God, sometimes.  I'm sure you might be able to relate to that. Right??

But in a season where I feel in charge of a lot -- teaching a class, organizing small groups for Soli Deo Gloria, planning a retreat, parenting -- sometimes I lose the ability to filter through everything and discern clearly without a whole lotta other junk.

So we sit on the couch, we hold hands, and we pray out loud.  The prayer ends and I ask, expectantly, "Did you hear anything?"

photo source
And he says, "Well, I don't see any red flags."  And I thrust the bible at him and I say, "Ask God for a scripture!" (you can see here, I can be a bit demanding at times).  He closes his eyes for a moment and then thumbs through the Bible, looking for a verse.

I see he's in Matthew and I just say over and over - "Lord, whatever You want, I will do.  This thing is in my hands, but my hands are open to receive or give away."

He flips to Matthew 10 and puts the Bible under my nose.  "Read the heading," he says.

I read.

"Jesus Sends Out the Twelve Apostles"

But that's not good enough for me, friends.  And so I ask Craig, "Do you really think this means YES?  I mean, it's not very specific."

He looks at me (you may know the look from your own husband).  "Jen, the exact answer you are looking for is not going to be in the Bible.  I asked Him if you should go and He gave me a section of the Gospel about being sent out."

But I still find myself resisting -- is this word enough?  Is the direction and leadership of my husband enough?  Has God given me what I have asked for -- direction and sheltering from my husband -- and now I have said, "It's not enough?"

I think about the phrases that have been lingering in my head the last few days from different blog posts I've read lately --

relax and have fun
the single spark
simply this.  Go.  Choose. Walk by faith.  Don't stand, doubt, waffle...

I asked my friend, Cindy, to pray.  She responds that she's praying, but she hasn't gotten a clear answer.  My first thought?

Maybe she's not supposed to.

Because maybe I'm just supposed to trust my husband.

And listen to His voice, that gentle whisper that wells in me...

to choose,
to relax,
to have fun,
to revel in a gift,
to not have strings attached,
to not have to earn,
but just to enjoy.

And with this, I will say...

yes.

Linking with Tracey for Winsome Wednesday, Jennifer for God Bumps, and Emily for Imperfect Prose.
GettingDownWithJesus




30 comments :

  1. i don't know exactly what it is, but friend, i'm kind of sure that you are supposed to do it!! your heart wouldn't be pulling you back to it over and over if it weren't being lead. i hear you on the reasons not too, i really do. i have them in my life a lot too....but this? seems you have your answer and need the courage to walk it out. :) strength and peace to you as you decide, and every day.

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  2. I want to encourage you Jen... You've said YES to whatever it is-- now work as if it is already completed. Because it is! :-) God will make a way, my friend. Blessings on this endeavor...

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  3. While I sometimes ask for confirmation if it's a BIG thing - because God doesn't mind in the least confirming His words of knowledge - you will know if His hand is in it as pieces fall into place. God doesn't give us direction and then stand back to see if we can do it without Him. If it is His will, He will make a way. Follow Him.
    Go with His great peace and let us know what happens!
    Blessings,
    Felecia

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  4. Glad my post yesterday encouraged you, Jen! I think sometimes we do need to walk forward in obedience and like your husband said...look for the red flags or the slammed doors...but just keep walking in the direction He is prompting us to go. I think just the fact that you are so eager to go the direction God wants you to go...that God will bless that!

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  5. Praying for you Jen...Just keep walking in the grace of "yes" Blessings as you go!(Ok, so now I'm excited to know the "where")

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  6. HI Jen - you had me on the edge of my chair...is she going? isn't she? Who says God does not have a sense of humour. And I think that word your husband read is spot on. Now take it and leap...
    God bless
    Tracy

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  7. Thanks for sharing your journey, Jen! I have to tell you it was tough for me to share I hadn't heard a YES or NO for you. I wanted to have an answer, a scripture, or a gentle sense of what God was up to. But I didn't. For a brief second I thought "How can I tell Jen I didn't hear anything?!"...but now I see I wasn't supposed to hear anything....because God wanted to speak to and through Craig. I just love God! And I love that He said Yes. Woo Hoo!!! I'm ready to have some fun with you!!!

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  8. Replies
    1. That would be a trip! No, Grand Rapids, MI!!

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  9. In your heart you know you have your answer, be obedient and go forth!! And may God bless you every step of the way!

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  10. I can talk myself out of hearing God clearly because I think He needs to strike me with lightning first. LOVE the way your husband enters in here. A good man is a GREAT gift! And hooray for you for saying yes! And trusting that He is leading you each step of the way.

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  11. This is a wonderful post. I do the same thing LOL. I so want an Answer from the Lord. I am often reminded that his will is spoken through my husband. I am so thankful for all the times I have listened to my husbands words of wisdom. When I do not it usually turns out really bad. He is so sweet though he never says I told you so :)

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  12. Go, go, GO! Yeay for faith and trust and not worrying about money and time. For FREEDOM (my word for this year!). And I bet God is laughing and saying:GO! because your wise, praying husband sees no red flags. So GO and enjoy and don't look back :)

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  13. I think at times God doesn't give you the answer because He wants you to take a step out of faith and just do it...knowing He has given you a great mind and wisdom...and to know YOU. I am so glad you talked with Craig.... and for taking this step and doing something that while expensive and everything else..... HE has something in store for you!

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  14. The process of decision making is different for everyone. We have different backgrounds and tolerance for change and sticking to the plan or decision we have decided. And no matter how desperate I am, I don't look at the bible page for answers like what my friends in the same community will tell me. I have faith that I will know the answer..and I trust that I will hear it, even without holding on the bible. We rise and fall by our decisions...if it makes it easier for you or someone else to hold the bible and get confirmation, then so be it. And I apologize for the long comment and probably inappropriate as I don't know the situation. But I can tell you I have been in that cross road and survive ~

    Nice to meet you ~

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  15. I think God will be with you and bless you either way.

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  16. Sounds like yes is the right answer to me, Girl. I'll say a prayer for you before I fall asleep, tonight.

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  17. This made me think of Moses when God called him. :-) I'm so glad you said yes because you are under the leadership of your husband and he said ok. I will pray that you'll truly be able "to relax, to have fun, to revel in a gift, to not have strings attached,
    to not have to earn, but just to enjoy." Can't wait to hear all the things God has for you during this time. Blessings, girl!
    Michelle

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  18. The gentle leading of God is such a gift. The godly leading of our husbands -- what a treasure.

    Believing with you for confirmation and provision and perfect peace in His will...

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  19. Sometimes, God already shows us the way and speaks to us in more ways than one and still, we hesitate and wonder if it's really Him or just our crazy mind talking. I'm glad you finally heard Him.

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  20. i am excited for you...trust and go...and it will change their lives...and yours...and i will toss some prayers up that it continue to be confirmed in your life...

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  21. i love how you are seeking God in this friend. i often think God give us desires for a reason :) and husbands for a reason too lol. may you be blessed richly ...

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  22. I can totally see the husband look- um, I mean - I HAVE totally seen that husband look ;) God bless- funny - you aren't the only one to go through this type of process - I just went through a similar situation - God opened the door- I was afraid to walk through at first - but I followed - He totally blessed it! (and moved mountains to do it . . . expensive . . .)

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  23. You will have your answer as God desires you to have it, and your heart may already know it. I pray God's blessings on whatever you're being called to and on you.

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  24. Sometimes those of us who don't like to be told what to do don't like to listen to our husbands either. But sometimes God uses him to speak to me. God's Word and his advice. We not only learn God's will through them, but we learn to come together in a special way before Him. We both grow through it, which I think He cares about more than our hearing Him correctly every single time.

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  25. I am just.so.thrilled at your yes! I am even more excited to hear about the ways that you went about seeking the answer.

    - praying with your spouse
    - asking a friend to pray
    - reading Scriptures
    - waiting, and listening

    You inspire, my friend!

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  26. I am beyond excited.

    We went through a similar experience-- I desperately wanted to go to Allume this fall, but the timing simply won't work with my school teaching. So some friends and I started talking about maybe getting together, somewhere in the country, just the small group of us -- and doing our own thing.

    So I prayed, and cried and talked to my husband, and we prayed, and he said... "Go." :)
    And I cried more.
    Anyway -- I could definitely relate. :)

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  27. oh, how i could see so much of myself in this! what a beautiful testimony you share here. thank you so much for revealing your heart so honestly. that is, quite simply, what i love about you :-)
    have a beautiful weekend!
    steph

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