Friday, June 22, 2012

when God takes you seriously

Be careful what you pray for.  God hears.  God responds.

I've noticed that as my insecurities well up inside my head as I venture out into this very unknown publishing world, I have been flooded with unwanted thoughts coursing through my mind.

Critical thoughts.  Wow, look at those shoes.
Judgmental thoughts.  How could she...
Prideful thoughts.  Well, my ______ is so much more __________.

It's twisted.  It's awful.  I hate it.  And so, I've dismissed them, repented for them, and prayed against them.  And I started praying FOR humility. A complete and radical sense of humility where pride cannot thrive.

And God answered.

First publisher meeting and *wow* she had a lot to say about how I should change things.  To be honest, she said a lot of good things, too, but I don't hear those as well.  I just think:

How could I have missed that typo?
Why did I chose such a silly picture?
Do I really write in Christianese?


I don't like to be wrong.  I let criticism, no matter how helpful, turn to lies.


Clearly, you should not waste your money on Logos Bible software.  You are in the wrong business, my friend.
Here you came in, trying to be all confident.  Just look at you now.
You messed up.  Why do you always make mistakes?


Lies!  And so, I sit here on the couch in the lobby, revamping my one sheet and fighting to hear truth.  I text my husband and tell him.  I put an upbeat note on Facebook (she does want to see the revised one-sheet, so she is interested in the proposed idea).  But what I want to do is bury my head in the sand and cry.

And cry and cry and cry.  Because there is still a very alive part of me that still believes if I make one mistake, I have failed.  Clearly, I still strive for perfection.  Clearly, I hold my abilities and desires with a closed fist.  I want to get it right and I want to get it right the very first time.

There is so much room for humility.

But I cannot curl up in a ball in Cindy's minivan.  Not just because I don't have the keys, but because in 25 minutes, I have to take my revised (very plain and black and white) one sheet to the next publisher.

I have to be brave.  Brave, but cloaked with humility.

But no matter if I fall on my face (again), there is so much freedom found in the pursuit of humility.  There is refreshment seeing people with God's eyes.  There is peace in not comparing myself or judging others.  There is rest in closing my eyes and imagining myself gathering flowers and making a bouquet for Jesus (the image I got today during worship).

And so, I will continue to pray for the hard things.  Because God is faithful to respond.  He is faithful to respond.
"We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:5 
Update:  2nd publisher meeting went FANTASTIC!  She requested the manuscript and is really excited about the topic!

17 comments :

  1. May you find an abiding place in His love for you as you walk this adventure...brave with humility...blessings~

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  2. You keep on keepin' on, Jen! This is SO exciting and I think this book is SO important! You're called.

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  3. oh, thank you Jesus is all I can say..........

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  4. Oh, yes, I remember the WAVES of insecurities that plagued me as I navigated my first big writer's conference and put myself out there for critique- put my DREAM out there for response. I feel your rollercoaster ride, Jen. And that pride. And that fear. ANd my stomach is knotted up just thinking about it. But BRAVE is the word. Humbly Brave you are. And God's plan for you, for this book, for your life is SO MUCH BIGGER than we can wrap our minds around. May you sleep well tonight- wrapped in His peace.

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  5. I understand. And I, too, know those lies. But oh, how I also know His faithfulness. Breathe deep and sleep well tonight, my friend. I am so excited for you and can't wait to see the future unfold.

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  6. Hi Jen - keep on keeping on. All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. You love the Lord, the positive and negative feedback will all work for your good.
    God bless precious friend
    Tracy

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  7. I have been right where you are with all the conflicting vulnerable emotions. So happy the second appointment went well. been praying! Keep in there: your story needs to be shared.

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  8. I can so relate to struggling with perfection and stewing in criticism rather than taking it as a means for help. Wishing you all the best in your journey. What a lovely blog you have.

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  9. Faithful is He who calls you, who also will do it. I Thess 5:24.

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  10. What an exciting journey and what a blessing to have this privilege. It will all come together in His time and I know it will be a blessing to many.

    All the best to you as you "go forth."

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  11. Love your openness in sharing. When we pray for humility, the path God takes us can be difficult. May He direct your path according to His will.

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  12. oh jen. thank you for bringing us into this process. i hope someday to be ready to enter this world, and know i will struggle relentlessly with these things too. you are such an inspiration. today. right where you are at.

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  13. very exciting!! praise God for His faithfulness!! xoxo

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  14. So wonderful! Excited for you! www.toshowthemjesus.com

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  15. Congratulations on 2 great publisher's appointments! Yes, two.
    Write on!

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  16. You know what? I am so grateful for your honesty here...because so many of us are having the same doubts, the same conflicts, the same pride and the same fall. So thank you for letting me know I am NOT alone.

    And happy, happy news on the positive 2nd appointment - a manuscript request is BIG news, sister!

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