I've noticed that as my insecurities well up inside my head as I venture out into this very unknown publishing world, I have been flooded with unwanted thoughts coursing through my mind.
Critical thoughts. Wow, look at those shoes.
Judgmental thoughts. How could she...
Prideful thoughts. Well, my ______ is so much more __________.
It's twisted. It's awful. I hate it. And so, I've dismissed them, repented for them, and prayed against them. And I started praying FOR humility. A complete and radical sense of humility where pride cannot thrive.
And God answered.
First publisher meeting and *wow* she had a lot to say about how I should change things. To be honest, she said a lot of good things, too, but I don't hear those as well. I just think:
How could I have missed that typo?
Why did I chose such a silly picture?
Do I really write in Christianese?
I don't like to be wrong. I let criticism, no matter how helpful, turn to lies.
Clearly, you should not waste your money on Logos Bible software. You are in the wrong business, my friend.
Here you came in, trying to be all confident. Just look at you now.
You messed up. Why do you always make mistakes?
Lies! And so, I sit here on the couch in the lobby, revamping my one sheet and fighting to hear truth. I text my husband and tell him. I put an upbeat note on Facebook (she does want to see the revised one-sheet, so she is interested in the proposed idea). But what I want to do is bury my head in the sand and cry.
And cry and cry and cry. Because there is still a very alive part of me that still believes if I make one mistake, I have failed. Clearly, I still strive for perfection. Clearly, I hold my abilities and desires with a closed fist. I want to get it right and I want to get it right the very first time.
There is so much room for humility.
But I cannot curl up in a ball in Cindy's minivan. Not just because I don't have the keys, but because in 25 minutes, I have to take my revised (very plain and black and white) one sheet to the next publisher.
I have to be brave. Brave, but cloaked with humility.
But no matter if I fall on my face (again), there is so much freedom found in the pursuit of humility. There is refreshment seeing people with God's eyes. There is peace in not comparing myself or judging others. There is rest in closing my eyes and imagining myself gathering flowers and making a bouquet for Jesus (the image I got today during worship).
And so, I will continue to pray for the hard things. Because God is faithful to respond. He is faithful to respond.
"We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5Update: 2nd publisher meeting went FANTASTIC! She requested the manuscript and is really excited about the topic!