Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Break the Tape: When Love Wins

Welcome, friends, for today's edition of Break the Tape.  Essentially, our goal is to identify the lies that repeat themselves over and over again in our minds, break the tape that automatically begins plays when ever we feel we've fallen short, and learn a new song to sing in its place.  Today ends the Break the Tape series, but come back next week for a brand new one!
 Meet Bina.  Yes, she's been here before and her words still captivate me from the very beginning.  When she writes, she pours out honesty.  When she writes, she takes a risk, knowing that her words are not only a message to others, but a message to herself.  But she is brave...
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I love love.

•Fairy tale love.
•Chick flick love.
•Romance love.

Seriously. If there was a dictionary that let you look up those three things for a real-world definition...you would see my picture...goofy grin, crazy eyes and all. My favorite movie is He's Just Not That Into You ... mainly because I relate so much to the lead character, Gigi, as she is:

•Massively impetuous.
•Totally head over heels in love with being in love.
•All or nothing.
•So innocent that you can't help but like her...unless you are the guy she has already planned the wedding for after only five minutes together.

My husband always rolls his eyes and groans when I leap across the couch to snatch the remote from his hand to select it from the TV menu...doesn't matter at what point it is in the movie, I am already living it in my mind. Just waiting for the end, when the right guy finally tells Gigi that she has found true love...that she is his exception. He kisses her and says the line...and before I can get the question out of my mouth, my ever patient man says "Yes, dear...you are my exception."

*sigh*

...but I realize that love is the tape that runs in my head, pushing and pulling at me, telling me to be more, do more...no matter the cost.

Like Gigi, I am so hungry to be loved that I try to force those I hunger for to fit into the pre-fashioned molds that I carry with me...and when they don't, I am left feeling broken and alone. Messages fill my mind, distracting me from truth...and I crumble within, shutting off all avenues of conversation and reality.


No one will ever love you...because you are unloveable.

A late evening drive a few weeks ago gave me the chance to ponder that sentence with God.

It is the one I have heard since I was very little...and one that I still wrestle with 30 years later.

And as I talked it out, I realized that I really don't see how people can love me. It wasn't a pity party kind of feeling - but one of flat-out honesty. All my insecurities and fears wrapped up...fed from one statement that is tattooed on the walls of my heart and mind...now laid bare before the God I have spent my entire adult life trying to keep it away from Him.

Why?

Maybe because I knew, somehow, that once I let Him in on that one...once I gave Him the ok to start scrubbing the walls of that darkened corner of my heart...I would have to change. I would no longer have the excuse that I believe that lie...and I would become accountable on the pain I cause others because of it...and I would no longer be able to hold God off at arm's-length because His love overwhelms me to the point of emotional melt-down.

No...not maybe.

Definitely.

...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:1-3

He gave me this LifeVerse years ago...and now, it finally makes sense.

Fairy tale love says the Prince will risk all for the love of His Princess...and mine did just that. He spread out His arms on a cross, saying He was willing to die to excuse my sin...so that I can be His exception.



About Bina:
I am happily married to my husband of 11 years and together we raise our blended family of five kids, ages 10 to 15. I am a stay-at-home mom, although I am rarely AT home as (when I am not being the family taxi driver) I am involved with church and school events, take care of my mom and spend time with my friends. I love to read, write and sing at the top of my lungs whenever a song comes to mind. I enjoy discovering God in my every day life...whether He is whispering my name, showing me His face in delicate parts of nature or just sending me a dragonfly to brighten my day. I know I am flawed...but I also delight in the One who uses what I just can't seem to fix.

Want to read more of Bina?  She blogs here at her pad.

16 comments :

  1. Great talk on Him and love and I love you too. Wonderful post. Hugs :O)

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  2. Bina, I know exactly what you are talking about -- that tension of knowing you need the Father desperately, and that it will be so, so good to be fully surrendered to Him, and the fear of what that surrendering and trusting will require. {It is so crazy, isn't it, how we play these mind games with ourselves?} I just love your stretched out heart for Him, your vulnerability in sharing the fear of not being worthy of love. Oh, I know this place friend. Truly. And I know the heartache that comes from believing, in our hearts, how His dying, for us, is not too good to be true. Thank you for your boldness here in sharing the prayer of your heart. And I pray it with you, standing by you, praying, as your sister, that you will continue to lean in, with His courage, in His strength, to surrender all fears, all doubts . . and to give Him permission to come in still, work even more deeply, to heal the hidden wounds that prevent us from resting fully in His love. You have so blessed me. Thank you.

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    1. You made me cry a little as I read this because this post was incredibly hard to share. The insecurities of our hearts always are - no matter how old we get or how much experience we have in our walk with God...we always stay tender and afraid to be exposed. But I also know He made us that way so that we would have to stay dependent on Him...and for that I am thankful.
      Thank you for taking the time to write all this - it touched me very deeply tonight.

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  3. Bina - this is beautiful. His love...agape love, unending love. Amazing!

    Blessings,
    Joan

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  4. Bina, your post made me think of John 8:32 when Jesus tells us that the truth will set us free. It sets us free not only to accept his love but also to stop hiding behind excuses like you say. Powerful thing, the truth is. Beautiful post.

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    1. Thanks, Gaby.

      You are right - that scripture matches perfectly. The excuses were so easy to use as a "reason"...but there is joy that comes in letting go and growing up. :)

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  5. Bina--your struggle sounds like ones we all share, just about different issues.

    This was so honest--especially this part:
    "Maybe because I knew, somehow, that once I let Him in on that one...once I gave Him the ok to start scrubbing the walls of that darkened corner of my heart...I would have to change. I would no longer have the excuse that I believe that lie...and I would become accountable on the pain I cause others because of it...and I would no longer be able to hold God off at arm's-length because His love overwhelms me to the point of emotional melt-down."

    I'm always afraid to pray that prayer, "God do anything," because I will no longer have an excuse and I will have to change. Letting Him change us...ah, there's the adventure!

    May God bless you as you continue to share and grow.

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    1. You are so right!!! That prayer is so scary to pray because we KNOW He will do it!!!

      Thank you so much for your encouragement, Jody :) It is much appreciated.

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  6. Bina,
    You've got such a great voice. I like how you are light and funny yet bring it down to serious.

    I used to be in love with love..holy cow, the drama that followed that one. I always wondered why life wasn't movie-like, but was morning-breath like. Really, I'm pretty sure it ruined a few relationships. I think I was always looking around for what I should have been looking up for!

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    1. Amy, you made me laugh!!

      Thank you for your kind words - and I totally relate to the morning-breath. Sadly, I think I too breathed on a few that ran, screaming, longing for fresh air ;o)

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  7. Lovely post Bina. I love how it shows that when we get real about what's in our heads, God goes to work shedding His light on our hearts.

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    1. Thanks, Andrea. You are so right - and I get blown away that He loves me as I am because He made me as I am...sappiness and all!! :o)

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  8. Bina. Thanks for this:
    "I know I am flawed...but I also delight in the One who uses what I just can't seem to fix."
    Wow. Wonderful message to this flawed heart.

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