Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Close Enough to Forget: The One about Sex

The honeymoon doesn't last. That is the short and simple truth of any relationship. There is a tangible grace period where forgiveness comes easy and every touch is magnified, every glance electrified.

Once you've been married a dozen years, that is long gone. Long. Throw in a few mistakes, some PTSD, and 4 kids and you've got yourself a recipe for apathy. Or bitterness.

So what do you do about it? Pray? Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated? Well, of course. That almost goes without saying.  But anyone who's been at this marriage thing long knows that those two things don't always have instant results. Relationship redemption can be a long row to hoe.

So I have one more suggestion. A lot of these issues, this desensitizing, is all in our head.  We grow comfortable, stagnant, we pull away, see our partner through a different lens. So here's a radical idea:

Change your lens.

Seriously. Pop those suckers out and snap in new ones. I know it sounds a little over-simplified but I swear, it can really make a difference. Want his touch to mean something again? Make it mean something.

Heck, pretend like it's new.  I promise you this, things will be a lot more *ahem* exciting if you don't take for granted that his hands have been on your neck thousands of times before.

One thing I've picked up from watching the marriages of others dissolve - when things go downhill in the bedroom it can be a very real beginning of the end.  This is a priority, folks. We can't get so close, so complacent in our relationships that we forget the magic and passion that we once felt for our other half.

So I challenge you, for one day, look at your husband with new eyes. Or old eyes. I'm not asking you to be delusional, just intentional.

Remember when that thing he's doing was cute instead of annoying. Remember when his helping you with something was appreciated instead of sized up beside the things he didn't help you with.  Remember when things like his bare collar bone turned you on.

And then *cough* take your new lens to the bedroom.

You're welcome.

Hi, I’m Jessica – the Matriarch of this here tribe.  I married, and bore my first Wild Thing at the ripe old age of 17.  Since then we’ve had a few more Wild Things, and a few more Anniversaries (3 and 11, to be exact).  I have almost exclusively attended the University of Motherhood with a major in Procrastination.  I’m hoping to continue in this field with a Masters in Baby-Weight loss.  We’ve been a fairly nomadic family, what with Husband serving 8 years in the Air Force and all – We have called Georgia, Arizona, Germany, California, and Maryland, and now Canada home.  And we’re hoping to keep the nomadic lifestyle up with an eventual move to south Asia.  
Want to read more Jessica?  Check out her piece of the blogosphere here at Bohemian Bowmans.


  1. i agree...and not just because i am male...ha...but i can def testify that this is true...we went through a rough patch a few years back...and one thing that suffered in that time period was our intimacy...and part of our return was a return to intimacy...there is obviously more to it than that but it is huge...nice piece...

  2. Love this, Jessica. So simple, yet so profound, tactful and yet challenging.

  3. Yes, very true. And a little shift in perspective is all it takes sometimes to turn things around. I'm going to be looking through that new lens. Thanks, Jessica! Well done :)

  4. I love the challenge -- and I love the visual about changing of the lens. I often think about changing my perspective, but when it comes to my husband, I think the lens is more appropriate and fruitful.

  5. Love it, Jessica. If our drifting away is "all in our head" and has to do with how our focus changes...well, then (cough) get busy with changing the focus back! Well said! :)

  6. Love this! I've only been married for 3 years and find myself needing to do this often.
    Thankful to have found your blog! It's awesome and I am excited to continue reading!!

  7. Love. And so very very true (says the woman who has been married for 9 years and just discovered a whole new "honeymoon" phase!) ;)

  8. You remind me of an important lesson from my photography teacher. He said to see a new perspective we only had to move our feet, and a fresh and interesting image would emerge from that new angle. So it is with our marriages: mosey on over to that place where we were in the beginning, and view our marriage through that lens, and have our breath taken away and our heartbeats quickened by that newly refined focus!

    Thanks for the reminder, Jessica-it's a great post!

  9. I really like this perspective, I need to change my lenses. My husband is a blessing, a great blessing, I only need to change my perspective. Thanks a lot and have a super blessed day!

  10. Thanks Jessica. going on five years with 2 of those years spent apart due to combat deployment. and now we have a 2 year old. Things are lacking luster and it's been bothering me. I'll try this.


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