Monday, April 28, 2014

When you have no words and the Soli Deo Gloria Party

Welcome to Soli Deo Gloria!  This group exists to empower women to authentically share their hearts.  Want to learn more?  Click here to find out ways you can be involved here.
Some things to know:
1.  It's important to take some time to visit a friend.  SDG is about relationships.  If you decide to link up a post that reflects your heart, be sure to stop by your neighbor's place.  We want to make sure everybody at this party feels a little love!
2.  We are a safe place to be real.  I deeply cherish your involvement in the community.  Consider answering the question from "Let's get real" at the bottom of the post in the comments section.
3.  I'm slowly updating the SDG retreat page.  Take a second and check it out?
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(Last week was incredibly rough for me and I cannot find the words that might be roaming inside me to post for SDG tonight. {And please forgive me to not getting around to last week's beautiful medley of ladies.} Even if I could locate them, I am not sure I have the energy to make them coherent.  And I cannot manufacture something because that would be inauthentic and contrary to God's design for this community. Instead, I found an old post that pretty much encapsulates some of the thoughts I've had the past week. Though I feel strong in my faith, I think we all have moments where we are desperate to see God be big and dwarf all the sorrows and heartache this messy world brings.  Love you each of you, sisters.  Soli Deo Gloria.)

The  morning began with excitement, curiosity, and a dose of nervousness.  But we were doing good.  We were moving along.  It's the first day of school and Hannah was ready for kindergarten.

And then...

Putting on our backpacks, heading out the door, I hear her say softly:

I wish Grannie was here to see me go to Kindergarten.

And I wonder, did I let something slip?  Or does she just intrinsically feel my grief?  Or is she really just that bonded to the great-grandmother that held her close at every chance she had?

And we go to school and there are no tears, just a hand clasped tightly to her daddy's.  She puts on a brave face, finds her cubby, and sits down in her chair, ready to color the happy frog laid out on her desk.

I make it home, go for a run. I absorb the silence of the empty house upon my return, but I'm not as happy as I thought I would be.  There's a hole, an emptiness that I'm not yet certain how to fill.  I'm locked into this place of unknown identity and I find myself grasping at all things tangible just so I can hold it together.

As I sit outside with my bowl of cereal, my phone begins to ring and in the span of 30 minutes, my world is crashed by new waves of grief.  My friend's husband, who was a mere 49 years old, has died of a massive heart attack.  And, my other friend calls.  Her grandmother has just slipped into a coma and she knows the end is near.

It's almost so much that my heart swells with the enormity of their grief and of my own and I compile it with the state of our nation, the dryness of our land, and I cannot even cry because I'm just too
overwhelmed by it all.

Where are You?

I go to the bathroom in which I am about to start cleaning and there is the bracelet that I received only a week or so ago.  It's the bracelet that reads, "God is Big Enough."

And in that flesh, broken-down moment, I whisper,

Are You?

And I feel so guilty for questioning, but the reality of my thoughts just escaped.  And I suppose He would know them anyway, had I not said it out loud.  And it's just one of those things that in the moment, my fears and my heartache seem so big that I let them dwarf my faith.  I let them dwarf my God.

And I whisper, I'm sorry, but in the same breath, like a little child, I whisper...

Will You show me just how big You are?  I need desperately to see You, to feel You, because I am weak and You, yes You, are strong.

And my brokenness is all I have to offer today, my friends.  But it is a brokenness with hope that, yes, God is big enough.

Let's get real: Have you asked God to show Himself to you before? What happened? (Sharing our stories of faith can be so encouraging!)

photo credit: Sebasti├ín-Dario via photopin cc (texted added by me)

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Time to share your heart, whatever it may hold, and to visit the heart of another sister, too.

14 comments :

  1. Praying this week will be a better one for you, Jen. So glad we worship a God bigger than anything we can see.

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  2. I've been there lately…where the pain of others seems too big. Praying for you and them.

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  3. Praying for you my friend! For His love to manifest in a million different little ways to show you His heart and reinstill His hope in your heart!
    Hugs!
    Dawn

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  4. Hmmmmm....you too? No words, huh? Well, not really no words, just sounds like an intense week. You were in my prayers and thoughts often and will continue to be.
    Sending love.

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  5. God IS bigger -- but sometimes we need to be reminded and I don't think He minds giving us a reminder. I've been struggling this week with a friend's returned cancer -- stage 4. Praying God will be with you and those you love.

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  6. It's o.k. when the words don't come. Sometimes God just wants us to steep with Him - and if there's just too much going on - He wants to sit down with you when you feel like a laundry basket full of mismatched socks and help you sort through them, matching them just right! Praying for you, sweet friend!

    Maryleigh

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  7. You know, I could probably share a lot. The time my mom was near the end & I cried out because I didn't have the strength to care for her cancer-ridden body & he met me with His eyes and II Cor 4:16-18. Or just about every moment living overseas it would seem;) feeling guilt & shame for a lack of faith & such a strong grief of so much--in the country around me, in me, my family...I have just lived Psalm 62:8 over and over. and been meditating on hope Psalm 62:5-8 and I Peter 1:3-12...questioning, searching, pouring out my heart knowing He can take it all & infinitely more. I just want you to know sister that YOU ARE NOT ALONE & I am praying much, much, much for you from the heart of friend:)

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  8. Jen,
    Sorry to hear you've had a rough week...thanks for being honest....praying God holds you close and reminds you of how much you are loved and cherished...today has been rough and I'm asking God to remind me He will work it out for good...Christ's resurrection is proof...((hugs to you ))

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  9. Jen - Praying for you this morning that the Presence of our God would bring assurance & comfort & strength to you. No matter how big the situation looms, our God is bigger still. Blessings!

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  10. When I share doubts honestly with the Lord, He shows up mightily. He loves to show off and rather than punish us for doubts He seems to do the opposite and shows Himself in huge ways. Like He's saying "HERE I AM!" God loves our honesty with Him no matter how ugly.

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  11. Oh Jen... Sorry your week was super hard. My heart hurts for you! I ask God to show Himself to me almost daily-- when my patience is tried as a mom, when I am seeking that balance between ministry and family, those moments when I am approaching mile 10 and I am smoked.

    And you know what? He always shows up. Always. Praying for you, sweet girl.

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  12. I echo these sentiments of the SDG sisters, steeping with the Lord is good when life is overwhelming. I appreciate your wisdom in knowing when to speak or not. At times it is authentic not to speak like this, saying we don't have the words. I trust the Lord is meeting your deepest needs, I never enjoy this process but am always grateful for the deeper relationship with the Lord that I have on the other side.

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  13. Praying for you! Our Almighty God can do anything! Thanks for hosting & God bless!

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